Fears are like dragons

Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure.

Rainer Maria Rilke

 

I love this quote. One, because it involves dragons, and two, because it’s thought-provoking. It’s a quote that makes sense on the surface and simultaneously perplexes me on a deeper level. It’s perplexing because I wonder about those deep-seated, dragon-like fears. Have I correctly identified those fears? Do I dare name those dragons? 

It goes without saying that our fears change with the passage of time. Mine have, certainly. For 20+ years after leaving Africa, nightmares plagued me, and my greatest fear was returning to my troubled motherland. Before I completed my first novel, my greatest fear was that I lacked the intelligence and writing skill to pull it off. Before I returned to full-time employment in 2021, my greatest fear was that nobody would ever hire me again and I would be the woman I’d vowed to never be – dependent.

Then there were the sub-conscious fears like fear of failure, fear of mediocrity, and fear of success – all of which converged into a single crisis in the year leading up to Covid, when an injury forced me to slow down and genuinely contemplate my propensity to measure my worth according to the goals that I relentlessly set and conquered.

During that year, my mind traveled in reverse. Day by day, I slowly but surely stripped every achievement to the bone until I reached the skeleton of failure, and the crushing realisation that my intention behind that plethora of goal-setting was in service of the bigger dream which had not materialised. After nigh on a decade of ‘following my bliss’ aka financial sacrifice, toil, time, energy, and creative output, I reached that point in any creative’s journey where I had to ask the question: Do I continue at great financial and personal cost, or, do I quit?

While I knew that quitting wasn’t an option, I also knew that I could not continue in the same vein. Something had to give. I had to find another way. I was dying – not in a physical sense, but on an emotional, spiritual, and psychological level. My self-esteem had dropped dangerously low and I had to pull it out of the abyss; I had to try and rescue and salvage myself before it was too late.

It’s funny how the mind works – the outwardly ‘silly’ memories it holds onto and uses against us without our knowledge. I had a silly, persistent memory that I perpetually tried to snuff out. But, during this contemplative period, it rose to the surface like PFAS foam on water and I had to confront and recognise it as a pivotal moment that should have worked for me, but instead worked against me. The silly memory I refer to took place in my last year at Primary school when my father glossed over a 98% exam score and zoned in on the missing 2%. In that moment, I wanted to kick myself for being so stupid, for being so misguided as to believe that 98% was an achievement. And in that moment, unbeknownst to me, the dragon entered, and long it remained, ferociously guarding the treasure that lay dormant beneath my deepest fear — you are not enough; you will forever fall short of the mark; you are destined to fail. Through my adolescence and a substantial chunk of adulthood, I nurtured that fear into a fire-breathing belief that towered above everything I did, overshadowing and reframing any perceived successes as little more than mediocre milestones and mortifying failures.

It isn’t always easy to self-assess, nor is it a quick exercise – be that from a can’t-see the-wood-for-trees perspective, or the maturation it takes to truly assess oneself without bias and through the lens of objectivity. It has certainly not been quick for me. I have been waging war on my 2% lacking mindset for several years, and the enemy is only now retreating. Only now am I viewing my ‘failures’ through a more favourable lens and seeing them as a mountain of mini successes and life changing experiences that have ultimately brought me to the peak of self-empowerment, a solid foundation from which I can build my best tomorrow.

If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.

Sun Tzu

I began this blog post by saying that our fears change with the passage of time. Which is still true. But what is more obvious in the wake of my aforementioned list of fears, is that each of those fears share the same root – I am not enough. If fear was a tree, then my list of fears are simply branches of the I’m-not-enough tree. And I’m guessing that root reaches beyond me and my 2% mindset. When you consider “motivational” quotes such as “fake it till you make it”, it’s clear to me that the fear of not being enough is a valid fear for most mortals.

Let’s move the focus away from me and swivel this concept your way. If you think back over your own life and your personal list of fears, would it be fair to say that your dominant perspective (aka fear), be that – be that stressed, pressured, terrified, paralysed, helpless – in that moment – be it a second, an hour, a day, a month, a year – was I am not enough? I’m guessing that the answer is yes. Whatever the situation, how ever long it took to overcome/ resolve/complete, you legitimately doubted your ability to cross that proverbial bridge and reach your desired destination.

But I didn’t reach my desired destination, I hear someone say. No shit. I’m sure everyone can relate to that. I sure can. But guess what? Desired destinations are mercurial in my experience. Like those ever-changing fears with the never-changing root cause, so it is with desired destinations. We think we want something because we believe it will sate our not-enough-syndrome. But the never-enough-syndrome will never go away while you maintain these perspectives: I am not enough; I am not where I should/would like to be.

Have you heard the story of the person who wanted to be rich enough to buy a private jet? Eventually, they smashed that goal and bought that jet. But their buddy owned 3 private jets and a yacht. So they strived for more money to buy more jets and a yacht. Trouble is, when they reached that destination their buddy still had more. You see where this is going, don’t you? It’s a vicious cycle, a downward spiral. The not-enough-syndrome is not a today problem, it’s an every day, as well as a tomorrow, problem. Unless, you recognise it for what it is and kiss it farewell.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to set goals. It’s good to strive for better and best. But if we shoot for the moon only to be discouraged when landing a star, then it might be worth paying attention to why we are striving? Is the moon our desired destination, or is it someone else’s? Is the deepest fear i.e. I’m not enough, blocking the deeper treasure i.e. I am enough, regardless of the goals and societal expectations? Only you can answer that. And sometimes we can only answer that when we reach the desired destination and realise that it’s not what we wanted or needed after all. In which case it might be a worthwhile exercise identifying those fears and naming those dragons before you set out to conquer the galaxy.

So, what are you waiting for? Your dragon is calling!